If you haven’t familiarized yourself with the story of Derrick Rose, his career table of contents on Wikipedia will catch you up:
I remember growing up and collecting GI Joes, they were fun. I don’t know if any of these would offer kids the same level of enjoyment…
10. Marie Antoinette Action Figure
That’s right; you can own a Queen of France and Navarre action figure. Not only does this action figure completely embody Marie Antoinette and how women lived during her time, it even reenacts her own death. At your own leisure, you can play executioner and watch poor Marie’s head pop right off. I’m not sure heads “pop off” when cut off by a sharp blade, but who knows. While playing executioner, bring along a female friend who can quote “Pardon me Sir, I meant not to do it.” All the more fun.
9. Sigmund Freud Action Figure
As yes, the great man of psychoanalysis. There’s nothing more enjoyable then the Oedipus complex, the triad psyche, dream analysis, and of course the good old phallic symbols. Who wouldn’t want to be able to play with a coke fiend who seemed somewhat obsessed with sexuality but would never undergo his own treatments? I know I couldn’t pass that up. The best part of this action figure: the cigar. Completely fits all Freud stood for.
8. Sarah Palin Action Figure
In case you want to add to your Sarah Palin shrine, this is perfect. At least it enhances Palin’s world-renounced hair bun…thing. The grimace on her face is just creepy, for lack of a better word. It just screams, “You betcha!” There’s no way I’d put this thing in my house. For all those men who find Sarah to be sexy, well…this action figure does her no justice. I guess the short skirts, low-cut shirts, and bare mid-drifts do something, but man, that face, that face.
7. Mr. T Doll
Not only is he a superstar of the A-Team, he’s a real superhero, FOOL! Batman and Superman have nothing on Mr. T. Decked out with blue feather earrings and a blue box, this doll is perfect for all those A-Team fans, if there are (m)any. Mr. T. is fully jointed. You know what that means…you can totally act out some A-Team fight scenes. The clothes come off too, for those who have dreamed of a naked Mr. T. in their room.
6. Obsessive Compulsive Action Figure
What exactly do you do with an OCD action figure? Maybe it does all of the worrying for you. I guess if you wash your hands more than 10 times a day, feel the need to take a shower if you hear someone sneezing, pick all of the balls of lent of your own clothes as well as your friends’ and you press the alarm button on your car about 5 times, this guy could just become your best friend. He’ll probably be the cleanest toy you’ll ever own, sporting a sanitary towel you can use to clean him with once your dirty nasty hands have touched him.
5. Padme Skywalker, Preggo Version Action Figure
I know not a thing about Star Wars, and frankly, I find most Star Wars action figures to be pretty acceptable. But this one stands out because well…she’s pregnant! Not only is she pregnant, the picture on the box obviously shows a distraught Padme. What’s that say about pregnancy? The best part is the fact that the toy is for “ages 4 and up.” Try explaining the belly bump to a 4 year old. That could be problematic.
4. Vanilla Ice Doll
Not only do you get a doll, but a postcard, as well as Vanilla Ice club information. Ohhh yeah. I wonder if this club is still up and running. Anyone wanna join with me? Question is who really wants a Vanilla Ice postcard, or a doll for that fact? You also get to pick between two super flashy outfits. Definitely a great doll to play dress up with. I’d use him as a microphone around the house as I sang Ice ice baby.
3. MC Hammer Doll
Dun na na na, can’t touch this. Seriously? One of the best dolls, ever. The bright, sparkly, purple jacket, black sequin undershirt, and…the shades. Perfect! I’d say this was the first ever Ken doll. You could even buy different outfits to put on him. (Yes, the company did make separate outfits.) It even comes with a cassette. You can jam along while playing. Thank you, Mattel.
2. Adolf Hitler Doll
Adolf would have just adored Barbie, you know, with those blue eyes, white skin, and the blonde hair. I’m not exactly who would buy this doll. I’m sure it’s popular in some countries, but really? At least it comes in a nifty box with Hitler’s full life story. As if no one has heard it before. In any case, I’ll reward it for its ability to express Hitler’s usual smug, mean, angry, serious, stern looking face.
1. Gay Bob Doll
The Gay Bob doll definitely deserves the #1 spot on the list. From his platinum blond hair, tight jeans, plaid shirt, and the whole closet theme, who wouldn’t want this doll? I just love the plethora of stereotypes. Even the way he is positioned is just, perfect. Oh and the best part, it’s made for everyone. Imagine getting this as a present. Boy the conversations that would go down then.